


Instant Messaging III 3/4

by TheSaddleman



Series: Instant Messaging [5]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Humour, No Angst, Plotless Fluff, Psychic Paper, Sontarans - Freeform, hidden thoughts, whouffaldi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-10
Updated: 2016-12-10
Packaged: 2018-09-07 16:13:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8807518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSaddleman/pseuds/TheSaddleman
Summary: The Doctor and Clara exchange a few quick psychic paper-style instant messages before meeting up for a well-deserved holiday, only to discover an unexpected eavesdropper.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Continuing my experimental series of Instant Messaging stories, this is an attempt to do a three-way story involving Twelve, Clara and - just for the hell of it - Strax. This was written on a desktop computer so my apologies should this be difficult to read on smaller screens.
> 
> Calling this part III 3/4 is arbitrary as this can be placed anytime after Part I as long as it's before parts V and VI.

Bzzt! Bzzt!  
Hey, Clara!  
Hellooooo!  
     _Doctor!_  
     _I’m ready to roll!_  
     _Proper holiday_  
     _just you and me._  
I was trying to phone you.  
Why didn’t you pick up?  
     _Oh, yeah._  
     _My phone’s broken._  
What?  
How did that happen?  
     _Fell out of my pocket_  
     _while I was riding my_  
     _motorcycle._  
     _Splat._  
Oh, no!  
All those photos!  
     _Don’t panic._  
     _I archived them._  
Oh.  
Even that one of me…  
     _Especially that one of you._  
Damn.  
     _So I’m phoneless_  
     _for a bit._  
     _So, you coming?_  
     _We are going to get tanned_  
     _and relaxed._  
     _No Daleks!_  
     _No Missy!_  
     _No Armitage!_  
     _Just you, me,_  
     _and Sex on the Beach._  
CLARA!  
     _HA! Thought you’d panic._  
     _It’s a drink._  
     _Don’t worry._  
Good.  
Sand gets everywhere.  
     _DOCTOR!_  
Hee-hee.  
Now we’re even.  
Anyway, I don’t know why  
you talked me into this.  
I don’t know how  
well I do relaxation.  
Of the lie on the beach  
and do nothing variety.  
     _I’m sure we’ll find_  
     _something to occupy ourselves._  
     _Oops!_  
     _I mean, we’ll have fun._  
     _Trust me._  
Always.  
I should be there in a few minutes.  
Sit tight.  
         **Who disturbs my slumber?**  
         **Throw yourself on**  
         **the mercy of the**  
         **Great Sontaran Empire!**  
     _Who the hell is that?_  
I don’t know!  
Sounds like a Sontaran?  
         **Alert! My pocket is vibrating!**  
         **A Rutan may have**  
         **placed a vibro-grenade**  
         **in my trousers.**  
         **Madame Vastra!**  
         **Unleash the razor bunnies!**  
Oh, you have to be kidding.  
     _Strax, is that you?_  
         **What technology is this?**  
         **The paper the boy Clara gave me**  
         **is speaking without words?**  
You did WHAT?  
     _It’s me, Clara!_  
     _And the Doctor’s here, too_  
         **The Doctor?**  
Hi, Strax.  
         **I do not understand.**  
Neither do I.  
Clara…  
     _It was a Christmas prezzie._  
     _You had a spare, so I thought..._  
We’re going to have a little talk.  
     _Moving on... I thought_  
     _we had to be simpatico_  
     _to do this_  
     _instant message thing._  
We do.  
Strax must be simpatico  
with one of us.  
         **How’s your head, boy?**  
         **Do you still have hhhhaaair?**  
     _Yes, Strax. I still have hhhhaaair._  
     _Just a little less of it._  
What, are you going bald?  
Why didn’t you tell me?  
I can sonic your follicles.  
     _What? No! Doctor,_  
     _I mean I’ve cut my hair short_  
     _since I saw Strax last._  
I hadn’t noticed.  
     _Yes, you did._  
     _You said it brought out my eyes._  
Did I?  
Sure that wasn’t the Zygon double?  
     _Shush. Strax, are you there?_  
         **Yes, but very confused.**  
         **We Sontarans**  
         **do not take confusion well.**  
         **Makes us feel …**  
         **violent.**  
         **For which I thank you**  
         **most sincerely!**  
     _You’re welcome. I think._  
     _Strax, who were you thinking of_  
     _before this started?_  
         **I was cleaning the upstairs closets**  
         **and I came across your clothes**  
         **from your last visit.**  
         **I started thinking of you.**  
Heh heh heh…  
     _Doctor, don’t make me come over there._  
Sorry.  
     _Strax, you thought of me?_  
         **I recalled you were a**  
         **fine specimen!**  
         **Always ready for battle!**  
         **A fearsome warrior!**  
Uh-oh.  
Sounds like love.  
Shall I ring up the chapel?  
         **You bore my frontal assault**  
         **quite well!**  
     _Frontal assault?_  
     _What frontal assault?_  
         **The Times.**  
         **You weathered the blow**  
         **and then bounced right back!**  
         **What a warrior!**  
Snort!  
What happened, Clara?  
Did Strax bean you with  
the newspaper or something?  
     _Actually, he did, yeah._  
Definitely love.  
Nom-nom-nom.  
     _What the hell’s that?_  
Sorry. Eating popcorn.  
     _$%#^ you, space man._  
Language!  
You kiss Strax with that mouth?  
     _Strax, you know we’re just friends, right?_  
         **…**  
     _Right, Strax?_  
         **…**  
Here comes the bride  
all dressed in battle armour...  
     _Stop singing, Doctor!_  
     _You are not helping!_  
     _Strax, you know we’re just friends, right?_  
         **Sorry, were you talking to me?**  
     _How many Straxes are there?_  
         **10,465.**  
     _What?_  
Clone batch, remember?  
A couple of them tried  
to kill me on Trenzalore.  
Sorry about that, by the way, Strax.  
         **They died in glorious combat?**  
Not quite.  
         **Oh.**  
         **I will honour them anyway!**  
     _How?_  
     _Bake a cake?_  
         **May-be.**  
         **So, then.**  
         **Have you two procreated yet?**  
     _SPLORGHPFFFFHPH!_  
Clara?  
Are you OK?  
     _Sorry!_  
     _Spat coffee over the paper._  
     _No, Strax, we haven’t yet._  
Yet?  
         **Why not?**  
         **From my understanding**  
         **of non-Sontaran mating rituals**  
         **attempts at procreation**  
         **are required.**  
     _It’s not always necessary._  
     _People don’t have to._  
     _Sometimes that’s not how they roll._  
Clara.  
Are you talking about us?  
     _WHAT? No, just in general terms._  
     _Yeah, general terms._  
     _My friend, uh, Dave_  
     _has been seeing this guy for years._  
     _And they decided early on_  
     _it wasn’t for them._  
     _But they still love each other._  
Very enlightened attitude.  
     _People always question it, though._  
     _They don’t ‘procreate’ so it’s not real._  
     _As if it’s any of their damn business_  
     _what we do when we’re alone._  
We?  
     _They._  
         **...ZZZZZZZ...**  
     _Is Strax sleeping?_  
         **...ZZZZZZZ...**  
Yup.  
Pontificating on the nature of love.  
Better than sleeping pills.  
     _Mmmmlahhhh!_  
     _That’s me_  
     _sticking my tongue out at you!_  
Mmmmlahhhh, yourself, then!  
If you don’t mind  
I’d like to make  
a quick detour  
en route to the beach.  
Strax shouldn’t have the paper.  
     _Sorry about that, Doctor._  
     _I just thought he deserved a gift_  
     _that didn’t kill people._  
That’s OK.  
No harm done.  
Your heart was in the right place.  
         **...ZZZZZZZ...**  
         **...spider monkeys...**  
         **...ZZZZZZZ...**  
     _I wonder if Strax ever_  
     _gets lonely?_  
Vastra and Jenny take care of him.  
And he has a standing invite  
to travel with me, too.  
     _Really?_  
Only for a short trip.  
I don’t want to share  
my TARDIS with anyone  
but you.  
     _You should put that on a Valentine’s card._  
I might.  
Got your stuff ready?  
Here I come.  
     _I can’t wait._

**Author's Note:**

> The idea of Strax having a little thing for Clara comes from their rather cute interactions in "Deep Breath".


End file.
